I Must…

Today is my last day at Gethsemani.

Yesterday at the 5pm service the Abbot announced that Father Robert had passed away just a few minutes earlier. A deep sense of sorrow engulfed me. Why do I feel sad for the passing of a person I did not know? Why do I think of my own personal losses and engulf myself in sorrow? I truly believe that deep loss changes you. It provides perspective.

The monks sang and chanted at this service with even greater fervor, as if to call the Gods into action. Starting Monday morning, they will pray and sing for their departed brother for 24 hours continuously.

At the end of the service, the monks leave in single file. I am taken in by their unwavering devotion. They are, for the most part, old and slender, and focused. What drives one to forsake the world as we know it to be driven by a higher calling? Particularly the young monks who have taken vows of silence and celibacy, devotion and abandonment of everything worldly. These pious men humble me.

I have so many questions, so much I want to discuss with these learned men – but I must stay in silence and think, and read.

I don’t remember the last time I read so much. Kind of strange for a professor? I devour the writings of Thomas Merton. Bright, articulate and insightful. He writes about his journey to this monastery and his internal conflicts. He writes about his silence and his quest for God. I wish I could write like him — I certainly learned from him.

Tomorrow, early, I leave for home. And for all the trappings of my material world. Somehow i feel this experience will change me forever. In a good way.

I must be more reflective, and think before I speak. I must eliminate all value judgement of people, not necessarily their positions on a myriad of issues. I must take some quiet time to look within to focus on the things that make me better as a person. I must consciously walk away from the idle chatter that engulfs our society. I must do more to help others. I must, I must I must…